F1: The Dumb Movie

I was recently on a plane and saw someone in front of me stick on F1: The Movie. I thought, hey, I’ll do the same. What do I have to lose?

As it turns out, well over two hours of my life, even though it felt like a lot longer.

I watched F1: The Movie on a plane. If someone is making you watch F1: The Movie, and you aren’t allowed say no but you do get to pick where, then a plane is a fine place to watch it.

So. It’s a dumb movie. It kind of knows it, but it’s not having fun with it, it’s just kind of…fine with it. Like, let’s not sweat the details folks, this ain’t Shakespere.

There are a couple of decent ideas in there, but they’re only stubbed in. Placeholder dialogue, extremely On The Nose sportscaster narration explaining what’s happening like an 80’s frathouse movie where the gang have to win the big race to save the resort and keep Party Mountain alive.

Some of the things people say sound like an Executive said, “OK, so, like, bump of coke what if they say, like…. stare into the light, blinking ok, bad example, but what if it’s like, they’re teammates, know what I mean? Why aren’t you writing this down, Jesus Christ.”

Brad Pitt subsists entirely on screen presence. He has nothing to say. At the end of the film someone asks him what the film is about (this is true) and he tries to laugh enigmatically, but you can tell his heart’s not in it. His eyes say: “Nothing, but the pay is good”.

Javier Bardem really is very handsome, isn’t he? He is great on screen. Nothing he says makes a lot of sense, but that’s probably not his fault. Kerry Condon is decent in it. I never met her but we both worked on the same movie once. Cool to see an Irish actor doing so well.

F1 seems kind of shiny and expensive as a sport. I hope the people who watch it have fun. It is presented as a plaything of the Epstein class in a way that’s kind of uncritical, but that’s to be expected as an Apple¹ production, tbf. In fact, watching F1: The Dumb Movie, you’re kind of struck by how big shiny and expensive it is, so many people had to work on it, a bit like F1 the sport.

These are the sort of thoughts that float through one’s vacant mind while the movie happens.

If you were worried about how the ending shakes out, it does indeed all come down to the last race, and the stakes, folks, couldn’t be higher.

1. I used to quite like Apple! But they changed. ↩︎